(Continued from page 335) blasting the tufts of fur on my toes, Lucinda politely~ I might want to get this thing called a pedicure to have my callous clogs removed.

    That's how I end up in a Barcalounger type chair in the office of podiatrist Suzanne Levine, DPM, of the Institute Beauté. Her $225 "foot facial" entails a salt scrubbing, rnicrodermabrasion for extra exfoliation, callous scraping, toenail bleaching, an aromatherapy foot massage, and a once-over with an ultrasound and a cream that supposedly promotes collagen growth. If, like me, your dogs are barkin' more than they used to, it's because aging causes collagen loss in the balls and heels of your leer. On top of that, "your ligaments start to sag due to gravity," Levine says. Wearing thongs aggravates the condition. "Your foot Hops around and spreads our," Levine says. And when you wear backless shoes you develop fissures - those cracks in your heels. "

    Then she notices why I won't take my socks off on when getting a pelvic exam- "You're developing a tailor's bunion," she clucks, pointing to my little left roe. (So called because tailors often get them from sitting cross-legged on the floor while pinning pants, putting pressure on their outside toes.) "Oh, and look," she says, noting my other little piggy, which has rolled out over the years. "You've got a hammer rod" So called because I used it to hang pictures last weekend.

    Levine takes a cast of my feet for a pair of her Orthochics ($250), orthotic inserts for my shoes I that "function like a bra," she says. "They lift and separate and keep your feet from pronating." You can tell if your feet are overpronating by checking your shoes. If you're wearing down the outside heels, you need an orthotic brassiere, too.

    One month later, my injected veins are a faded memory. The laser-treated wisps are still there, but Alexiades says that's a sign she can turn up the juice on the Versapulse and zap them again. Meanwhile, my thighs are slimmer-both outer and inner. Since putting a cork in my mouth after 8 P.M., I've lost a lot of my lumps and I sleep more soundly, too. So that girl you see at the beach this summer the one lying in the sand wearing a thong swimsuit? That's not me. I'm the one next to her, selling a second-hand scuba suit, now brave enough to wear shorts.